🥀Best & BUTFUL Flower⚠️

What if I told you I had over 70 “successful” threesomes in my life? Would you ask for my advice before your next one?

I hope you do!

There was a time in my life when having a threesome was a regular Tuesday evening (I was part of a triad for 7 years or so, is that cheating? I don’t think so).

There were times when one long-term partner and I had a special guest star that just kept coming back (I’m not surprised ;))

I’ve had one-off threesomes that were organized in advance and some that happened spontaneously.

The common denominator here is me! I’ve learned a lot about navigating multiple people’s moods and emotions, timing, sexual preferences, and stamina.

With some partners, a threesome is a feature! We have better sexual chemistry and a lot more direct communication about what we like and don’t like.

Inviting a third into the bedroom in the context of two people in a long-term relationship is the dynamic I am most familiar with. This may be the context in which the majority of people may feel most comfortable and confident in adding a third.

Although what a party when three single people ‘successfully’ hook up, let me tell you! (maybe another time).

I am also queer so that adds a layer/flavour to the mix that is uniquely different from a straight couple wanting to ‘spice’ things up.

It is safe to say that if I had talked more honestly about what we were all comfortable and uncomfortable with and what turned us on etc.,many of my encounters would have been more enjoyable. Some may never have happened at all. I also happen to get very lucky and sleep with people who I am compatible with and everything worked out just fine! More than fine 

For those who have never had a threesome, it may be overly romanticized. For those who have had many mediocre ones (the drunk ones, the ‘take one for the team’ ones, the ones where we all failed to communicate well and be considerate humans) it may be overrated.

I think there is something magical that can be unlocked but not for everyone.

The opportunity is there to learn more about yourself sexually and your partners. I thought I’d share what I’ve learned that may be helpful to those interested in threesomes.

Going through all the different experiences I’ve had, some key things need to be present:

(in other words, without these the likelihood of things going sideways is pretty high… take my word for it)

1. Always negotiate what you want (and don’t want). Sometimes you want to be bossy, sometimes you want to go for a ride and others take charge. Sometimes you want it quick and dirty, sometimes you want it long and drawn out. Sometimes you want to just watch. Condoms? Toys? Sleepover? Having the confidence to communicate and discover for yourself what you want to get out of the dynamic is a superpower. Everyone involved is at the negotiating table. Talking about it beforehand will not make it less sexy. It will make it MORE sexy I promise!
2. You can always step out/take a break, whatever it takes to step away from the situation and return clear-headed with how you want to continue (“I got to go to the washroom” is my go-to). Everyone involved must have this option with no judgment. This doesn’t have to mean playtime is over, but it could mean that. You all have to figure that one out together. But I can’t imagine many worse things than being stuck in a threesome you do not want to be in and can’t leave. Nothing will ruin threesomes, or any sex with others, more quickly than experiencing that.
3. Anyone that you have sex with, regardless of how often, should be treated with respect and consideration. In a threesome, all involved have to be valued equally. Couples’ bias (the two in a relationship put themselves first before the third) must be mentioned here. Too often the language that is used to ‘find a third’ (unicorn hunters is one example) creates an unbalanced or hierarchical framework either consciously or unconsciously. For some couples, it may be a one-time thing, and therefore not seeing the person again may make room for more inconsiderate behaviour on the part of the couple. And on a rare occasion, shitty behaviour on the part of the third. All this can be offset by referring back to point #1. Be mindful that everyone is having a good time throughout the whole session.

I can confidently say that I may never have learned certain things about myself, sexually and emotionally, without having experienced sex with more than one person at the same time.

I’m not recommending threesomes for all. It is not necessarily easy to make happen which can be frustrating and may end up hurting you or others, it could bring out a version of yourself you or your partners may not like.

But, for those who are feeling lucky! Threesomes can be transformative. You can become a better lover, try new things, learn new skills, and bond with your partner. You may get jealous, but maybe you won’t! You may find it hot to watch your partner have sex with someone else…or not. You may learn that your partner likes to be watched. You might get to act out some fantasy you’ve always dreamed of. You may make a new best friend. There is only one way to find out!

Things will get messy (that is both a pro and a con). Have I convinced you yet that I may know a thing or two about threesomes? I offer relationship coaching and will be delighted to talk to you about your next threesome!